and it's your business...why?

You're 20 or 21 years old. You're in college, or are just finishing up. What do you do with your life? Go to grad school...start working...travel...relax...take some time to pursue some hobby of yours that you always dreamed of taking further...you can do practically anything. You have an entire lifetime ahead of you, and what you want to do is entirely your choice, right?

Hmm...

Well, that's how it should be. But social norms and nosy aunties and uncles and relatives can be obstacles. It seems as though once a girl hits a certain age, it's an absolute expectation that she begins to think about marriage. This is not to say it is a bad thing to get married [not that I have to justify myself with this statement], but it may not be what every single girl wants.

Until the age of 20-21, most people are dependant on their families and parents. They need help with college tuition, housing, etc. But it is after this point that they can finally consider themselves independent. Some people like this concept, and want some time to "live life" on their own, and experience things without having to make compromises and decisions while taking into account the needs and wants of another person. Is that such a crime?

I randomly bring this topic up just because it is something that has come up in conversation with more than one person, people of a variety of ages, and a topic of conversation (or argument) that has occured as recently as this morning.

The decision to have a married life should not be forced upon an individual. It is a decision he/she has to make on his/her own because he/she is the one who has to live with that other person for the rest of their lives, not anyone else.

I personally know people who have married just to please their families, or just because it is the "social norm", and are now miserable in their married lives. In fact, some of these people have done so much as to admit to me that they would have been happier alone, or happier marrying someone of their choice. Some people have married someone they chose, but only to find that life after marriage is very different from life before marriage, though the two people are still in it together.

Then again, there are those who are very happy in their marriage. I've been told by these people of feelings and moments and things that you cannot experience without being in a marriage, and it is not even something they can explain to me. It is only something I will see after I myself get married. What this even means, I can't be sure.

One girl I have known for years now, has been seeing a guy for about 3 years. Until being with him, she never cared much for marriage. Now, she wants to be married to him because she can see herself happy with him. If you can find something strong like that, that's wonderful. But again, shouldn't that be your choice?

I should add this disclaimer - my general views explained above on this issue do not necessarily mean I never want to get married. I do not want to get married now, and I honestly believe it should not be forced on someone. But personally, some day down the line (not right after finishing undergrad like the cookie cutter desi bride), I would like to get married. I see myself getting married sometime before the age of 30. But I will not settle. If that means I don't find the right guy by then, I will not settle for someone just because I need to get married. I want to have kids, and unfortunately women have a biological clock that makes it difficult to do so after a certain age. But my happiness is important too, and while I would want a guy who wants to marry me down the line, I would not risk being "stuck" in a marriage with someone I am not 100% committed to. Those of you who know me know how much I love kids, and personally, I would not have them without being married. That decision stems largely from the respect I have for my family. It would hurt them and break them if I had children out of wedlock, and I am not prepared to do that to the people who have been there for me from day 1, and who will continue to be there for me unconditionally. My biggest problem however, is that I just don't want someone telling me when that marriage should be happening, because it's just not their business. It's my business, and ultimately, the business of whoever I am serious about marrying, and something I would discuss 100% at that time with that person, when I am ready. That is on my terms, and my terms only.

I respect anyone who does not want to get married, and believe they have that choice, like I said earlier in my post. Nobody else should force that on someone - it is too big and too fragile of an issue to force on someone (unless you are in a relationship with that person, like I mentioned might be in my future case, in which case it is important to bring it up when you are ready to discuss it). But aside from the person you are with, nobody else should dictate to you or suggest to you how to lead that part of your life! I cannot emphasize enough how much I don't think it is much of anyone else's business if a person chooses to marry or not. If he/she does, that's fine, and if he/she doesn't, that also should be fine. It's absurd the number of arguments I have witnessed as a result of this topic. It goes right along with my post on rumors: when you have a busy life yourself, with barely enough time to handle everything you need to handle and do everything you want to do, why poke your nose in issues that don't have anything to do with you?


**1 month since my thaatha passed...**

deja vu + nostalgia + ???

I've been having this very strange sense of deja vu throughout today. Granted, the past few months I've been experiencing deja vu more than ever before, but today seems to stick out for some reason. It's a very odd feeling that I'm not quite able to explain.

Anyway, it's been an interesting day. I've been cleaning out my room and getting it packed up. My closet has boxes with papers and things I have done or written since I was 6 or 7 years old [my age when we first moved to my current residence]. I don't think I have taken out these boxes and seen all these items since the time I actually packed them away into those boxes. I've come across pictures I drew, poems I wrote, and short stories I created. Old social studies projects and science lab reports are in there from grade school. I even found the little notebook I kept as my diary when I was a girl. I started reading it, but didn't finish because there was so much in there that I had practically pushed out of my head already, and reading it was only bringing all of that back. So on top of feeling deja vu all day, I've been feeling slightly [not too much] nostalgic as well. Time certainly flies [not that I'm a fan of predefined idioms].

Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's the fact that I really need a change/break and am counting down the days/minutes until I get to Troy [as pathetic as that sounds, yes I am eager to get back to Troy], or maybe it's just that I have too many things going on at the same time and trying to handle them all doesn't always work, but I've found myself fairly thoughtful over the past couple days. There are things I want to say, maybe just to one person, maybe to many, but my stubborness refuses to allow me to do so. I wonder if it's better to keep my mouth shut [which I have found works quite well in some situations], or if I should speak my mind out regardless of what may [or may not be] the consequence[s]. Maybe we should always say whatever we want to say. I know there were things I wanted to say to my grandfather, but by the time I made that decision, it was too late and he was gone. Now, I wonder if this is going to be the first thing I may possibly regret in my life. Maybe it's best to just say things we want to say, instead of waiting for the "right time" [which may never happen according to what you believe is the "right time"] or instead of deciding never to say it [and then wishing later on you had].

Now I'm off to the "little India" of New Jersey, aka Edison.

Rumors?

It's amazing how quickly people can start and spread rumors. Just over the past few days, I have heard so much about so many people, most of whom I know are very good people. Heck, I've even heard rumors about myself!

It seems as though the average man can't survive without rumors, which honestly, is disturbing. In order to forget about their own weaknesses, distress, etc., they resort to finding fault [or fabricating faults] with others, even sometimes those who are in positions better than theirs [though this does not always have to be the case].

Why do people do this? To forget their own weaknesses as I mentioned perhaps. Or perhaps they dislike the person who the rumor is about, are jealous of the person, etc.

There is barely enough time during the day to tend to our own needs/wants/etc. So why spend time on other people's [most probably exaggerated and fabricated] lives? The funniest part of it all, is that once one person says something, others seem to believe it to be the truth and spread the same lie, sometimes adding something else to it that wasn't there before. So by the time the rumor has been worn out and spread, it is entirely different from what it started out as.

Rumors don't really bother me personally because when I hear something about someone else, I don't pay attention to it without hearing something from that individual, and when I hear something about myself, well I'm fairly confident that those who know me well enough wouldn't believe them without coming to me first and asking me about it, instead of talking behind my back and spreading the rumor further.

Ah, rumors...they're more humorous to me than anything else.

Hello sir, I'm looking for paaeennttt (and lot's of it)

So all I can really think about (unfortunately), is paint. I wake up in the morning, and I start with some room in the house. At the end of the day, I'm covered head to toe in paint. I remember when my father first announced he was going to Home Depot to pick up paint with my brother, I could think of nothing else but the classic Russell Peters show in which he talks about the Indian accent, and uses an example of someone going to Home Depot and asking for paint. Not that this is significant whatsoever...

Other than painting our house and making it look wonderful, nothing much else going on. I'm heading back to Troy tomorrow through Saturday to do some hardcore apartment hunting (hopefully I nail something down by Saturday afternoon, or I'm homeless when I get to Troy on July 1st). Yes, I'm heading back for good on July 1st so I can start my internship at the law firm. Hopefully that will be rewarding and useful to me later on.

Though there is a lot I would like to write about, unfortunately I don't have time right now! I'm sure once I settle back in Troy, I'll have some extra time on my hands (though I can't say for sure).

Till then, adios!

Death

Death is inevitable. We know it will happen at some point to each one of us. Yet, it is never easy when a loved one dies, regardless of how old that person is. My grandfather had been diagnosed with lung cancer two years ago, during which time I went to spend time with him. Recently, his condition deteriorated so rapidly, that the entire family became worried that he was reaching the end. After the doctor's diagnosis, we were informed that he truly did not have much time left to live. My mother decided to work from India, and took off immediately. One by one, my uncles took turns flying to Chennai to spend time with my grandfather.

I desperately wanted to go, but was not sure if I would be able to. My last final exam was on Friday, May 12. Still, my ticket had not been booked. My father told me he would talk to our travel agent and find out what would be best, and if there was any way I could go to India at all.

Saturday May 13, I packed up everything in my little studio apartment at school, and by noon I was out. By that time, it seemed like I had a flight the next day with Air India, and would pick up my ticket when I checked in my luggage.

I arrived in Madras on Tuesday, May 16 (Monday night US eastern time). It was a fairly good flight, considering it's not all the time you are offered an internship when crossing through time zones.

As I entered my home in Nugambakkam, my mother warned me that my grandfather was in a condition that I could not imagine, and not to act shocked when I entered his room. I opened the door, and it was then I realized that her warning was not warning enough. My grandfather sat on his bed waiting for me to arrive. Inside, he was the same person, but on the outside, there was barely anything left of him. It tore me apart to see him the way he was.

"Are you shocked to see me this way? I look very bad, don't I?" he asked me.

"No thaatha, you look fine. You will be better soon," I replied, knowing fully well it was a lie.

That was the last day my grandfather had the energy to speak in full sentences. It was the last day he spoke without fully slurring his speech. It was the last day he looked as "healthy" as he did, as strange as that sounds. His condition deteriorated dramatically each day I was there from the day I arrived. We all knew the end was near.

Sunday morning, May 28, 4:00am: it was my paati's (grandmother's) 70th birthday. It was also the morning my thaatha passed away. At the age of 82, he left us. He had told us he would be leaving us that day, and that Lord Rama had told him He would be coming to get him. Nobody knew what to think at that point. But, as my grandfather said, he passed away.

I had never watched death before. To see a person while he is alive, and watch the slow, painful death he experienced until there is no life left in him...it is an experience I would never wish to experience again. The body stayed in our house until Tuesday morning, in a refrigerated glass coffin. Everytime we passed through the hall, there my thaatha was, peacefully sleeping. He seriously looked as though he was just sleeping. I would sit in front of the coffin, almost expecting him to wake up. But he didn't.

The morning of the funeral was the hardest morning of my life. I don't wish to discuss it, but I know it is a morning I will remember every detail of for the rest of my life.

I miss him...he was one of the few people in my life who I had more respect for than I could ever hope to express. He was intelligent and reasonable most of the time, and someone who had done so much for so many people. It showed how much people loved and respected him, with the number of people who flew into Madras and took buses and trains from all over India to come in time to see his body and pay their last respects. I miss him so much, and it is hard to come to the realization that he will no longer be here to witness all the turning points in our lives.

I keep asking myself if I made mistakes by not telling him certain things I know he wanted to hear, or doing things I know he would have wanted me to do. I suppose everybody goes through something of the sort when somebody so close to them passes on.

Though I wish he hadn't died, I force myself to remember the suffering I watched him endure in order to convince myself that dying when he did, was the best thing that could have happened to him. He no longer has to experience the pain and suffering he experienced for so long.

Though I never said this to you once when you were alive, I love you very much thaatha, and I know I will remember everything you taught me from the day I was born for the rest of my life.