The Musingmonsoon

I love taking a look at friends' blogs sometimes if I feel like taking a break (which recently seems like all the time - I've become quite the procrastinator). Sandipan's blog never fails to be intriguing and thought-provoking to say the least. So instead of posting something of my own this time, I'd rather you all take a look at his last couple of posts on homosexuality. He's a good writer and has some good thoughts. You can visit his blog by clicking on this link http://musingmonsoon.blogspot.com or by clicking "Sandipan" on the right side under the column with my friends' blogs.

And one of my own thoughts before signing off: the only thing constant in life is change. Think about it.

Turning point

What is "love"? Is it even something we can define? Maybe we can't- but I know what love is not. I'm so tired of hearing "he completes me" or "she is my better half" or "he makes up for my shortcomings", etc. etc. Why does it have to be that way? Why can't it be one complete person, and another complete person, together simply because they enjoy each other's company? You know, you don't even need to spend every waking second together. You could see each other everyday, you could see each other once every few months. You could talk everyday, or you could talk once a week. In theory, it shouldn't make a difference. In theory or in reality, nobody needs anybody else. That's all in your mind. If you do "need" someone, then it just means you are not ready for a relationship/marriage/whatever it is you are pursuing. You need to be happy with who you are, and satisfied with yourself as a person before taking on anything with anybody.

I'm pretty sure most of you are sitting there looking at this thinking, "what the hell is she talking about?" And those of you who know me extremely well, know that for a short period of time, this is certainly not what my thoughts were like. I "believed" in "love", yes. "Believed". I think I was more in love with the idea of feeling like there was someone else who could relate to me. At that point, I was so confused about everything in general, everything in my life, and everything in between. Nothing made sense to me. I know I've changed a lot since as recently as last year. I know that upon the initial realization of my change, I was thrown off and didn't necessarily like this change. It was hard to grasp the fact that I was changing as a person, and I immediately associated "change" with "bad", since it is often what I end up witnessing in other situations. I know I've gone through at least one drastic change in the past, but that actually was good for me for a period of time.

We don't need anybody to complete us. We need to complete ourselves. If you can't stand on your own, you are in deep, deep trouble.

I think I've finally started figuring myself out much better. Actually, I don't think so. I know so. I'm happy with the person I am turning into/have turned into. I've become stronger. I've become more independent. Things can only get better from here on in. Granted, there was a time in my life when I needed "crutches" to help me stand up. But I'm healed and more ready than ever to take on what I need to take on by myself. I want my decisions to be mine alone, without the influence of anybody else. This is my life. Time for me to live it to its fullest. Time for me to take things at my pace.

It's only the beginning, and I can't wait to see what's in store next. I have no regrets, and I won't have any regrets in the future. Of this, I am certain.

This is right

I'm doing it because it's the right thing to do. The effects? Consequences? Who knows. We don't necessarily always know those. But what's the point in living life always thinking, "well this COULD happen, hence I will not do that" or "well what if this happens? It's possible. Better safe than sorry". That would be one boring life. There are possible "bad" effects to everything we do. Might as well take the risks and go for it. I know I'd regret it if I did not do so. Follow your heart, as cliche as that may sound, and as much as I want to stay away from cliches. But really, when it boils down to it, that's pretty much it. Follow your heart. Don't question it.

I'm happy.

Confused...?

Confusion...amazing how you can go from being far less confused one hour, then by the time the next hour is completed, you are so utterly confused with anything and everything, that it seems impossible to figure out. So what do you do?

...nothing...

It will fix itself. Time will tell you what to do. For now, just go with the flow. It's happening. And that's that. Be your own person, be independent, and don't sit and think that your life has to go a certain way because so-and-so wishes it to be, etc.

If there is a reason why you have made a certain decision, stick to it. If there is a reason you don't want something, then don't do it. The ONLY obligation in your life, is to be true to yourself.

"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn."
- David Russell

Is it really that hard? hmm...


[[ennathu...naa sollavendithu iva sollindu irukkaa...]]


Ok, so this is confusing enough, I'll shut up for now =)

I <3 you Jill

Jill - my big sister from the Women and Science in Engineering program at the University of Michigan. She was one of the biggest inspirations for me when I got to Michigan as a 17-year old freshman. Not only was she a genuinely hardworking person, she was there for me through so much and was never too busy to make me feel better through all the things I went through. No matter how big or how small, and regardless of what she had to get done by the next hour, she would sit down with me to talk and make me feel as though there was nothing more important.

Yesterday she called me. Needless to say, I was excited to speak to her. Obviously I am not in touch with her as often as I was while in Michigan, but she is one of those who I am still in touch with on some basis and still consider close to me.

She however, shared some unfortunate news. She's been diagnosed with breast cancer. What's even stranger is the fact that she just turned 23 years old. Breast cancer at 23? Who would have thought...

Naturally, I was thrown off. It was hard to respond to because it is not at all close to what you would expect to follow, "I have some news I have to tell you" from a 23 year old woman.

So, for those who are religious, I ask you to keep Jill in your prayers, and for those who are not, please hope for her speedy recovery. She is beginning chemotherapy treatment next week which should last 4-6 months after which she may or may not have to undergo radiation treatment as well. They have removed her lymph nodes, to which the cancer had spread, and are now working on killing the rest of it. I am certain that she will get through it. She is one of the strongest, most optimistic, and genuinely good people who I know.

It's sad that things like this happen to such good people...I know I kept thinking to myself last night "it's not fair...it's not fair...". However, a good friend told me that though he knows why I feel that way, the two are mutually exclusive. The fact that these things happen to good people has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that they are good people and "do not deserve" this. Her wedding which was to happen this summer has been postponed, as has her start in med school which was supposed to begin this fall.

But she's strong. And good. And wonderful. And she'll make it. Please keep her in your thoughts or prayers. Or both. Take your pick =)

And with that, I'm signing off.

ghajini - oru maalai

After I got back from class this morning, I have been listening nonstop to this one song from a Tamil movie called "Ghajini" called "Oru Maalai". It's a great song. Not that any of you will understand this anyway, but I wanted to post the lyrics =)


Oru maalai elaveyil neram
Azhagana elai uthir kaalam

Oru maalai elaveyil neram
Azhagana elai uthir kaalam

Satru tholaivile avalmukam parthein
Angae tholainthavan naanae

Satru tholaivile avalmukam parthein
Angae tholainthavan naanae

Aval alli vitta poikal nadu naduve konjam meikal
Ithaloorum sirippodu keddukonde nindrein
Aval nitru pesum tharunam. en valvil sakkarai nimidam

Eerkum visaiyai avalidam kandenae…. kandenae… kandenae….

Oru maalai elaveyil neram
Azhagana elai uthir kaalam

Satru tholaivile avalmukam parthein
Angae tholainthavan naanae

Satru tholaivile avalmukam parthein
Angae tholainthavan naanae

Paarthu pazhakiya naangu thinangalil; nadai udai paavanai maatri vitaal
Saalai munaikalil thuritha unaivukal; vaangi unnum vaadikkai kaaddi vitaal

Koocham kondda thendrala.. ival aayul neenda minnala
Unaiketra anaka ennai maatri kondenae

Oru maalai elaveyil neram
Azhagana elai uthir kaalam

Satru tholaivile avalmukam paarthein
Angae tholainthavan naanae

Satru tholaivile avalmukam paarthein
Angae tholainthavan naanae

Pesum azhaginai kettu rasithida; pagal neram pakthamai kadathere
Thoongum azhaginai paarthu rasithida.. iravellam kanvizhiththu
Kidapenae

Paniyil sentraal un mugam.. en melai neerai erankum
Oh thalai saaythu parthaazhe.. thadumari ponenae

Lala laala lara lara laalaa
O .. Lala laala lara lara laalaa

Satru tholaivile avalmukam paarthein
Angae tholainthavan naanae

Satru tholaivile avalmukam paarthein
Angae tholainthavan naanae

Aval alli vitta poikal nadu naduve konjam meikal
Ithaloram sirippodu kettukonde nindrein
Aval nitru pesum oru tharunam; en valvil sakkarai nimidam

Eerkum visaiyai avalidam kandeinae….

3-day weekends rock

It's Sunday today, but can technically be considered equivalent to a Saturday. No classes tomorrow! And what's even better? My Tuesday classes are cancelled and Monday's classes are in place instead. Tuesdays and Fridays are my worst days - basically 8am to 2pm straight with no breaks. Monday is better - but what's EVEN better? My professor for my Monday evening class told us we don't have to come in on Tuesday! So all I have Monday is 8am-9am and then I'm done. Loving it.

The weekend started with Friday night, Ankit's house party. It was fun overall. Then last night was a potluck dinner with the grad Indian students I know, and a few undergrads. Of course, as expected, I was the only girl. But, oh well, it was all good. I made puliyodharai (tamarind rice). We watched Lord of War, a Nicolas Cage movie. It was a great movie, except somewhat sad. I definitely recommend it if you have not watched it yet.

And today has mostly been a day of studying. Ligon is visiting so I have to see him at some point too before he goes back to Massachusetts.

A HUGE birthday shoutout to my wonderful little sister, Tara. I have known her since she was in kindergarten, and today she turns 19 years old. I know she hates having her birthday recognized, but you all know I announce everyone's birthday =). So how can I go without announcing one of my favorite people's birthdays?

Anyways, that's all for now. No classes tomorrow. Yessss 8-)

More about nothing

So I actually did have a blog post written up on valentine's day, but then my computer crashed. So I lost it. And I was too lazy to re-type it, hence, the few-days-late post :-). Anyway, so happy belated valentine's day to all those who I was unable to wish on February 14th.

Hm, what else. Lately, I've been loving technology. Well, at least one part of it. Skype. Quality of voice chat is amazing. I talk to my relatives in India everyday! For free! Honestly, what can be better than that? Ok, so I got lucky in the sense that I have relatives and grandmas who are "technology-saavy" and actually understand how to use these programs too. But it's really great. Last weekend, I had a conference-chat with my paati (grandmother) on my mom's side, and my mom. It was so much fun =)

The weather today was CRAZY. It started off sunny. Then, here I am sitting in class and in a matter of 30 seconds, it got pitch black and hail started pouring down. The windows shook so much that I was certain, as was the rest of the class, that the windows were going to break! Then I was heading to the DCC around 11:55, and the wind was SO strong, that it actually toppled me over and I fell backwards. If anyone had seen me, it must have been a hilarious sight. I was fighting so hard against the wind just to get half-way across campus. Pathetic. Then of course I had my hair practically whiplashing my face to the point that I got so annoyed, I decided it would be better to shave it off. But, then again, that might not be the best decision to take.

So after pulling an all-nighter last night, I'm debating whether or not to take a nap. It would probably be a good idea. I'll either do that or go and write. I feel like writing now. Either writing or making another oil pastel. Maybe I should take out my water colors and try those out? I should probably get started on the immense amount of work I have to do by the end of next week, but I just don't feel up to it. Oh well.

Anyway, time to go and figure out what to do the rest of the evening. Catch ya'll soon!

3-days-later-update

All right, give me some credit...this is being update 3 days after the last post as opposed to 3 months!

So how many of you watched the opening to the Olympics games this year? How sweet was that? INDIA IS IN IT! And that too, not just one athlete, but FOUR!! I'm so excited! We have Neha Ahuja and Hira Lal for Alpine Skiing , Gupta Bahadur Gurung for Nordic Skiing, and Shiva Keshavan for Luge. Shiva Keshavan is TAMIL!!!! Yessssss :-D. That's hilarious. A Tamilian competing in the Winter Olympics. Who would've guessed.

So my cousin couldn't come this weekend :-(. Which sucks. I was really looking forward to seeing her too, but due to the weather we are getting, those plans had to be cancelled. She wants to come in two weeks, so hopefully that will work out.

You know what's funny? The past 2 weeks, almost everyone that has come my way, friends, newcomers, acquaintances, whoever it may be, I've managed to somehow bring about some form of "debate" or "argument" on God/religion. I have to say, I'm surprised that I know so many atheists/agnostics and didn't even realize it. Interesting how many people have come to that point. But one thing I will make clear to all of you if I haven't already made it clear: yes I am religious and yes I believe it does me good, but at the same time, there is nothing I can do to logically prove the existence of God. Not I nor anyone else can do anything to prove this existence. Just wanted to make that clear though I think I already have. I believe in the concepts that religion teaches and the way of life some of the religions promote. That doesn't mean I am going to sit here and vehemently insist that God 100% exists and those who don't believe in Him/The Supreme being are fools. And to all those who have no idea what I'm talking about, well, ignore this... =)

Ok and seeing that this update is so soon after my last one, I really have nothing much else to write. I know, it's pathetic haha.

Later!

Late again...

It's funny...I went from writing in this blog almost everyday to pretty much forgetting I own it! So I realize I'm late once again in updating this, and for this, I apologize. (Or maybe I don't, and I'm just being "politically correct" ;-) hehe).

Oof...so what's happened since I last spoke to all of you...well, I'm back at school. Things are going well, though I'm unusually homesick more often than not. My parents and brother came to visit me this past weekend, and it was honestly a wonderful time. My brother was quite sick though, but is on his way to getting better.

[2:19:22 PM] Shankar Kar says: m back
[2:19:25 PM] Shankar Kar says: so whats new
[2:19:47 PM] Smrithi says: haha nothing is ever new...i lead a boring life
[2:19:49 PM] Smrithi says: lol
[2:20:05 PM] Shankar Kar says: thats not true..
[2:20:13 PM] Smrithi says: hahah trust me, it is:)
[2:20:15 PM] Shankar Kar says: everybody lives an interesting life.. otherwise..there is no life.[2:20:16 PM] Shankar Kar says: hahahaha
[2:22:16 PM] Smrithi says: loll, trust me....smrithi's life = boring life..."boring life" is not equal to "no life"...therefore, smrithi's life is not equal to "no life" which translates to smrithi's life = life[2:22:32 PM] Shankar Kar says: omg
[2:22:45 PM] Shankar Kar says: cant believe that u dwelt on it so deeply..
[2:22:46 PM] Shankar Kar says: hahaha
[2:23:02 PM] Smrithi says: hahaha shut up, i go to RPI...i have an excuse for being nerdy

haha there is a part of my skype conversation with Shankar. It was funny at the time. Now I just have no idea how I turned something so stupid into a proof. Ew.

Anyway, things with the book are going well - I had my first interview 2 weeks ago, which is located at http://www.theculturalconnect.com/archives.php?edition_id=1&publish_date=2006-01-24. I admit, I've always been skeptical about interviews I read because I always have this subconscious pre-conceived notion that those who are being interviewed are saying only what they want their readers to believe. I answered those questions as honestly as I could - I even admitted the one thing I'm made fun of most for! That I'm short! :-P

I think I've changed. I know that's a random statement with absolutely no flowing transition from my last paragraph, but I'm not out to construct a grammatically correct paper at the moment. I don't know how, I don't know why, but I know there's something different about me than what there was maybe just a few months ago. Perhaps it is something I didn't quite want to admit to myself, but when others start pointing out this change, maybe it's time to start taking notice. I feel less connected with people I used to feel connected to. I used to be one of the most talkative people in large group settings - all of a sudden, I find myself incredibly quiet and nonreactive to much of the conversation which occurs around me. Apparently, I even once in awhile completely detach and "distance" myself from those who are closest to me. And I know it's happening. I know I'm doing it. But I can't seem to figure out why. I don't know what's causing this change in me. Frankly, I want the old person back. I think I'm just dealing with a lot of little changes that get to me every now and then, and are expressed in some strange, outwardly, subtle way that others pick up on as well. It's just a phase. I'll surely snap out of it soon enough. No doubt in my mind. For now, I'll just continue to try and be the person I want to be. I think part of that person is who I was not too long ago. She'll be back =)

All right ya'll, more from this gal soon. And by soon, of course I mean in 2 months :-P